Miscarriage support: how to break the silence and offer solace

Ruth Bender Atik

National Director, Miscarriage Association

There are mixed perspectives on miscarriage, and many people don’t know how — or hesitate — to discuss it.

Around one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. To many, that number might seem shockingly high. Others may see it as so incredibly common that it’s perhaps not worth mentioning, and life goes on. The combined effect of these perspectives can make pregnancy loss a very lonely experience.  

Lack of support after miscarriage 

For most people, the loss of a pregnancy — however early it happens — is the loss of their baby, their hopes, dreams and plans for a future family. Many experience it as a bereavement like any other, grieving for a tiny life that ended too soon. If others don’t understand or acknowledge what they are going through — physically and emotionally — they can feel isolated and unsupported.  

The most important thing you can do
is acknowledge what has happened.

Being able to open up  

It’s time to break the silence around pregnancy loss, says Miscarriage Association National Director Ruth Bender Atik. “There are often feelings of failure, guilt and shame around miscarriage; and society’s silence, perhaps due to discomfort, can compound those. Breaking the taboo around miscarriage helps people to understand they are not alone in their experience and helps to validate feelings of grief and loss.  

“We’d like to see a world where people know that miscarriage happens and that it can be really distressing, where that loss is acknowledged and where people do not feel they have to go through it alone. That’s not to say that those who choose to keep their experience private shouldn’t — we just don’t want them to feel they have to.” 

Acknowledging the loss 

Bender Atik says offering support to anyone affected by pregnancy loss doesn’t need to be complicated. “The most important thing you can do is acknowledge what has happened. Sometimes, people don’t know what to say or are worried about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. The trouble is that this can make the person who has miscarried feel very alone or that their loss isn’t seen as important … A simple, ‘I’m so sorry,’ is often enough.”